Just because I'm smiling, doesn't mean I will be forever.
I choose to smile because I want to sink into the illusion taht everything is all fine and dandy and no one is gonna backstab me. I laugh mainly to assure myself that I could choke out a smile when needed.
Unfortunately I can only do so under concious moments.
Just walked home by myself, and mused as I walked along with my friends during reccess. Frankly, I hated seeming desperate and following people like a puppy desperately needing a pat, but I suppose that was better than immenient boredom.
I know following and walking WITH are two different things. Frankly, I'm not too sure whether I am wanted or not. Simply looking at the so called 'outcasts' in our class just leaves me pondering about the fickle nature of humans.
Up till this date, I've realised that I'm not really acting myself. Perhaps it's time to confront the past demons.
I had an odd dream last night. I dreamt that I sat with strangers discussing literature, and a few seats down were my friends. I snuck a peek to see whether the had noticed me. They simply stared right through me, and laughed among themselves.
We all know that all humans need companions, and that a leader is nothing without followers. Am I a leader? I don't know. Do I have friends actually willing to stick through thick and thin with me? I don't know.
Sometimes, even the most complex of literature is easier to dissect than a real life human. I guess that's why I'm me. I hate showing weaknesses, yet here I am whining.
Chances are, no one is going to read this anyway, save for a few stalkers.
Maybe instead of the lawyer I hope to become, I'll be an obscure overworked, underpaid worker in a puny cubicle. Should the day ever come when my funeral pocession is held, no-one is going to attend, save my kith and kin (obligatory prescence). My old friends are going to walk past, engrossed in their lives and trying to survive, too busy to notice my abscene or one less voice floating in the wind after them.
